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first_img Comments are closed. GuruOn 20 Mar 2001 in Personnel Today Thisweek’s guruAtthe cutting edge of staff appraisal jargonExamplesof funny performance appraisal comments have started to fill Guru’s in-tray.Armyofficers appear to have come up with the best one-liners. One former Army HRprofessional admitted to claiming, “This officer has the manners of an organgrinder and the morals of his monkey”. Anothermilitary disciple wrote, “Captain Smith is the sort of officer who goes throughlife pushing at doors marked pull”. Orhow about, “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of a sense ofmorbid curiosity”.Another,from a Stateside buddy, claimed, “When she opens her mouth it seems that it isonly to change whichever foot was previously in there.” Buton a more highbrow note, one of Guru’s academic chums has suggested adouble-edged way to write a job reference. Theuniversity professor always finishes references for poor ex-pupils with, “Youwill be fortunate, indeed, to get the candidate to work for you.”Oddjob makes sensi (honest)Ourcrazy job title contest may have ended, but bizarre names keep rolling in. Guruis looking for a sensi to turn him into a six-sigma black belt. Although itsounds like an appeal for a Chuck Norris devotee, it is in fact a seniorproject management job. Championedby Motorola and General Electric, the role uses statistical methodologies tosolve problems and improve products and services. Apparently, Ford and Volvonow have their black belts too. OneHR team has reported a head of health and happiness, and an antipodean friendworks in a healthy, wealthy and wise department. Each has its respectivemanager, so there is a healthy manager, a wealthy manager and a wise one. Gingerwhinger causes CRE grief Someof Guru’s best friends are Welsh, but he can’t help feeling they areover-reacting to poor old Anne Robinson’s quips about our Celtic cousins on BBC2’s Room 101. Now she is living in fear of being lynched by fully paid-upmembers of the Plaid Cymru party. Notonly has it ruled out a cottage in North Wales as a holiday destination for theRobinson household, it has caused a headache for the Commission for RacialEquality. Offended Welsh people are demanding that the commission tackles theTV presenter over her “racist” comments.Butthe CRE has had to stress repeatedly that its role is to promote racialequality among employers, not bring feisty TV presenters to task. It has fallento the police to “investigate” this serious incident. Gurubelieves the presenter of The Weakest Link will be dealt with quickly. It willbe a case of, “Thank you. Goodbye”. LetNorman no-mates join your gamesNexttime you’re off down the pub with your colleagues, make sure you invite Normanfrom accounts. He may have poor personal hygiene, an unhealthy interest inDungeons & Dragons, and be teetotal, but if you don’t ask him you mightfind yourself breaching workplace guidelines.  EdinburghCity Council has issued a set of politically correct guidelines, which includenot excluding workmates from conversations or social occasions. It could makesnubbing a colleague a disciplinary offence. Moresensibly, the draft document also tells the council’s 20,000 staff not to sendrude jokes by e-mail or display offensive screensavers. Onecouncillor said, “You wouldn’t deem this politically correct if you were on theend of the silent treatment at work.” But only Guru was listening, as everyoneelse was in the Dog & Duck. Previous Article Next Article Related posts:No related photos.last_img read more